Saturday, September 1, 2007
ChApTeR 14: i LoVe HiM So mUch... iT hUrTs...
My ToPiC ToDaY iS pAiNfuL.. iT rEaLLy iS..WenT back to sec school for a church event "kopi-o-kosong".. talk about how people can be so empty in love without christ.. i applied to my life, and i knew it was more than thru.. i knew it was my bro's bday tml so i bought him along so his frens cud celebrate for him.. true enuf his gang of frens came with bday cake and presents to celebrate with him after the event was over.. i was more than happy for him of coz.. but i realize something more..as i look at their happy faces while they sang bday songs and laughed along.. i realise i cudn't identify with them.. i wasn't familiar with this scene at all.. i had never had frens by my side with presents and laughter.. or teasing each other with cakeprints all over the face.. i had never gone thru those.. i felt really empty.. i felt... envious.. i held my tears.. no way was i gonna cry in front of my juniors.. absolutedly NO WAY..after the fun and laughter my n my bro went back to my grandma house.. For ANOTHER round of CELEBRATION.. while on the bus we talked about how fortunate he was getting so much attention.. he wasn't the least appreciative tho.. on the bus i felt another urge of sorrow in me.. nvr had i felt so sorry for myself.. tears came to my eyes.. i wasn't going to cry.. i told myself.. i prayed to GOD, "pls help me..", but the more i prayed, tears found their way out.. i wept silently.. in the bus.. PATHETIC...at my grandma house, i stood by my laptop and played games.. i wud rather drown myself in games than to think bout it.. played till dinner and we had such a FEAST.. it was out of the ordinary.. F***ing bias, i told myself. but i prayed hard i would not hate anyone for it.. i enjoyed the dinner anyway... went downstairs to a "arcade" and we played billiard with me, my bro and my uncle.. had quite alot of fun..But i dreaded going up.. i knew we were going to cut the cake we bought in the morning.. went up, they sang bday songs for him.. cut the cake and round of photos.. i asked myself.. when was the last time THEY sang MY bday song.. probably 5 years ago.. i cudn't take JOYFUL occasion and went back in the room.. i told myself not to hate him.. he WAS my brother.. i loved him.. yet the envy i had really made it so painful.. i started to tear silently again in the room.. he asked me whether i wanted a piece of the cake..I refuse.. i simply refuse to eat the cake.. i hated cakes.. i hate cakes.. i will always hate cakes.. i cudn't stop thinking and swelling my eyes with tears on the way home.. yet.. no one notices any difference in my behavior.. well.. im really invisible..i felt a stranger in the church.. i felt i didn't belong.. i felt a stranger among my brother's frens.. i felt i didn't belong.. i felt a stranger within my family.. i felt i didn't belong.. i feel like a stranger in this world.. maybe i really dun belong...Frens who read this post, especially ANGIE: pls pls.. i beg of u.. leave me alone on my birthdate.. i wanna be alone.. i dun wanna go thru this pain anymore.. juz let me be.. im really tired of crying.. i tot i was immune to tears after my grandpa died.. i was wrong.. it was juz too painful i cudn't stop tearing.. i tot live was empty without christ.. life is still empty now, even with HIM..Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts.
[
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings]
